Painting

I have always loved painting but fear it at the same time. After years of trying to figure out why, I really don't have an answer. What I do know is that it makes me happy and smile.

I am thankful to my friends that encourage me to take care of myself and do things I love. So a few weeks ago I set up my paints and just put the brush to the canvas. It wasn't easy, and was even harder not to attach judgement to the entire experience. I even hung the painting up when I was finished.

So this painting is in my bedroom and reminds me daily of happy. Reminds that I can do things for myself and to keep working on not judging myself. To just enjoy the process and experience.

Acceptance

It's been a while since I have posted mainly because of depression. I haven't allowed myself to use my creativity in any form. It makes me sad because this is when I really NEED to use the arts. The arts are just part of me. All I need is the beach and a pencil and a paper.

So I am trying to accept that I can't do everything and even allow myself to not do everything. Trying to do everything gets me in a lot trouble. So while I am trying to accept this, I also need to ask for more help in things. I am tired, sad, and frustrated.

Today, publicly on my blog, I will work on drawing and using my creativity as an outlet to deal with feelings. I am at a poi t in my recovery that I hate the sadness more than I hate the unknown. I will draw today somehow someway.

New Tattoo

This past weekend was my birthday. I have mixed feelings about it big time. Each year I get older and older and each year I feel like I have accomplished nothing. A complete failure, again. And each year I tell myself to actually do something.

The truth is that  I accomplish a lot. I grow every day and learn to fight more and more. While I don't have a degree yet, don't have money, and don't have "things"; I do have my health and my personal growth. I also have my kids and a roof over my head. I have so much that a degree seems so small. It is still a goal of mine to get my degree and dream job but in the meantime I will continue to fight and grow as a person.

Which brings me to my tattoo. This tattoo was a birthday gift from someone and is filled with so much meaning. Yes, I did draw it because if it's on my skin permanently, it needs to mine. The meaning is pretty deep and intense so here I goes. A butterfly to represent freedom, a semi colon to represent that life is not over-it just keeps going, teal to represent cervical cancer awareness, and always a fighter because of everything I have overcome. I am not a victim anymore. Only a fighter for me and my soul!!!

I love my tattoo, I love that it is my drawing, and I love that I am at a point in my life to be able to finally express myself through art and otherwise. Keep on fighting!!!!

Opening up about my art

As I lay here, in the middle of the night, thinking about my past and future, wondering what happened and why I gave up on my dreams. You see, I love art and creating. It has been a very long time since I have allowed myself to be open to putting my heart on paper. These last few years of been extremely rough, but through it my want, my need for self expression has resurfaced.

Through this blog, I hope to share some hope and maybe even encouragement to many struggling. I will share my stories, my struggles, my art, my journey, and my heart. The truth is that art and my creative mind saved my life.

So after years and years of not touching a pencil, here is my first drawing. If you look closely there is a tiny cocoon in the tree. That is me, hiding from the world, wanting and needing the protection of that hard, self-spun coating. This was drawn in 2010. 

So this is the beginning of my new journey and rediscovery of my art and my dreams. I hope it encourages you to not ever give up and to be who you are.